I tend to use computers well past their useful lives…I add on hardware to keep them working and accomplishing the tasks I need, so I don’t purchase computers very often.

So imagine how appalled I am to discover that since I purchased my last computer, both the manufacturers and Microsoft have found seemingly hundreds of annoying ways to try to stick their hands in my pocket. (And don’t get cocky, Macintosh users…iLife+iTunes is even more obnoxious.)

I purchased a refurbished quad-core HP computer after Christmas for a really good price, with plans to use it as my video processing computer…it shipped with (ugh) Vista, but even refurbished qualified for a free upgrade to Windows7, so until I got the upgrade discs I didn’t do much with it (and as an aside, I kinda like Windows7, as embarrassing as that might be to admit). Now that I’ve upgraded the machine, I’m trying to get it straightened out so I can use it, but I keep running into stumbling blocks. Or, more accurately, programs determined to connect me to something I neither want nor need, all designed to take my money.

It’s not all HP, of course…Microsoft wasted a good bit of my time ripping out the “More Games from Microsoft” cruft, but HP is blatant about it. From deciding I can’t handle my own memory cards and cameras (”Snapfish can help you…I’ll upload everything on any card by default so you can pay me to print them!”) to shoving in the crippled DVD playback software “HP MediaStupid,” to their “Total Care Advisor” designed to steal my personal information, to trying to sell me Quicken software (I needed to place an entry in Hosts to avoid tripping over redirect.hp.com, and I know I’ve ranted before how much I hate someone opening my browser for me without my permission!), to their printer software (sort of a separate rant I’ll get to later), I’m spending boatloads of time removing all of the garbage they’ve forced into my computer.

How’s this…I purchased a computer from you. Unless I have a problem, I do not want you to know anything about me or this machine. If I do have a problem, I will provide only enough information for you to help me fix it (but lets be honest, you’re not going to help anyway so I’m resigned to reading a lot of forum postings so I can fix it myself). But keep your grubby paws off my personal information, and my wallet!

The bad thing is, I also bought an inexpensive HP all-in-one printer for my wife ($25 on “Black Friday” evening from Wally-World), and just got around to setting it up. I was shocked to see how completely useless the accompanying software is…oh my god, other than three buttons, the entire thing was designed solely to get me to the HP store to buy prints, ink, and anything else they could sell me. I got so angry I ripped it out cursing and swearing all the while.

(Side note: I am now looking for scanning software; something that instead of trying to hawk useless products will simply…well…scan. The ancient Canon software I have is perfect; it allows you to set the scan size, then just keep hitting the “Next” button while loading more pages…when you click “Done” it creates a PDF from the pages you’ve scanned. No sales pitch, no bullpucky, just software that works for the human. If anyone knows of a freeware or shareware alternative software that works with TWAIN scanners as simply as that, please let me know in the comments. I have hundreds of pages of old paperwork I want to scan, shred, and eliminate, and I don’t feel like being marketed to between every friggin’ page!)

Sorry, I know I shouldn’t be surprised…after all, there’s always more money to be made selling razor blades than selling razors, but it’s irksome. People new to computers don’t know any better, but there used to be a time when, after you bought a machine, it was yours to do with what you pleased, without interference by the company who manufactured it.

After the last few days, and the frustrations I’ve had with HP products, it’ll be a very long time before I purchase another. (And if any HP executive is reading this, I promise to purchase all my paper and inks from non-affiliated third parties, so you won’t see any of that revenue, either.)