We spent a way-too-short vacation down at North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and although there were some amazing times making, “vacation memories,” I wanted to note one of the goofiest experiences I’ve ever had.

Seems Broadway at the Beach now has the first Kiss Coffeehouse; ok, so let’s all take a few moments to consider the juxtaposition there, but yes, they allegedly serve upscale coffee drinks while promoting a washed-up heavy metal band. Ok, thought I, I could use some java, and if at the same time I can support a group that hasn’t actually made any music in decades (if ever) with a frontman apparently so destitute as to need to debase himself in reality television, what the heck? I mean, I live for mind-numbing heavy metal, right? And no one can argue that I don’t know coffee, espresso in particular, what with my drinking enough of it in a year’s time to support more than one small Central American country. Match made in musical hell!

What I actually discovered, however, is that they apparently hire employees who have wasted way too much time listening to that nonsense, to the detriment of their intelligence. The conversation went something like this:

Guy Behind the Counter: Can I help you?

Moi: The biggest cappuccino you’ve got.

(Quick Aside: that is a standard line I use, since I am sick to death of all the made-up names for different sizes of coffee. Everyone’s got a different pretentious name for something as simple as, “Small, Medium, Large.” Anyway, back to the conversation…)

Guy Behind the Counter: We don’t got cappuccino.

Moi: Really? What do you “got?”

Guy Behind the Counter: We got lattes, tea, and rockuccino (probably TM’d –ed).

Moi: (Bracing myself) Ok…what’s a “rockuccino?”

Guy Behind the Counter: Espresso with flavored syrup and stuff.

Moi: (Already feeling where this is headed) Ok…what do you call a drink with espresso, steamed milk, and frothed milk foam, without the syrupy nonsense?

Guy Behind the Counter: What’s frothed milk?

Moi: (Feeling great pity while recoiling in horror) Never mind, guy…

So if you want to see some has-been rocker’s sweaty leather outfit, run-don’t-walk to the Kiss Coffeehouse. If you actually want coffee, though, find somewhere else. Anywhere else.